Just Be Joe: How he wins 2016

Hi Joe,

Can I call you Joe? Okay, Joey it is.

Listen, I’ll try to make this brief as I know you are short on attention span. Look, we’ve been here less than a minute and you’re already counting the seconds until you can play some more Flappy Bird..Oh… Oh you didn’t know.. Yeah no more Flappy Bird… Joey don’t cry. Come on.

Joey, focus.

This is important. It’s about your future. Yes, your future as the next President.

I saw you on the tv last week playing on the real life size choo-choo train, just like the one you have in your room, only bigger! You looked so happy, pushing all those buttons and playing conductor. You made us all so proud. You also told the nice lady with the microphone that you really want to be President. In fact that you can’t think of a good reason NOT to run for President. Neither can I.

But we have a problem. These field trips will be coming to an end soon.

See Joey, your friend Barack, whom you spoke so tall about at the convention circus in 2012 and your former friend Hillary are making other plans and those plans don’t involve you. In fact, the entire Democrat party, to whom you’ve dedicated almost half of your life promoting, defending and playing nice with are also making plans with Barack for Hillary. They are planning a great big party with balloons, confetti, parades and Santa Claus.

And you’re not invited to this party. I know Joey… I know you are.

I would be upset too. But you shouldn’t listen to them. They are just people who have used you as either assassination insurance or a photo op to further their own personal legacies and none of those people are a heartbeat away from being President like you are. So cheer up! You are the Vice President of The United States of America. That’s right you are! That should be you everyone is getting “ready” for. You’ve earned this. You have played the loyal friend and comrade to Barack for 7 years now. You are the Lennie to his George. You’ve gotten first hand experience on how an expert runs everything from the economy to healthcare. But your friend Barack is getting ready to turn you into the Fredo Corleone of the DNC Family. You don’t deserve to just be cast aside, overlooked and taken for a metaphorical boat ride. It’s time to start looking out for Numero Uno.. No, not the card game Joey. Pay attention. I’m going to tell you how you can become the President or at least come in a distant second behind a generic Republican. I know this isn’t just some Buzzfeed-like list with cat gifs and Saved By The Bell pictures..Yes Mr. Belding was my favorite also. Just bear with me. This will be easier than counting cards with Tom Cruise in Vegas. I promise.

So here goes.

joe-biden-recommends-buying-a-shotgun-when-an-earthquake-strikesWhen you hosted a Google+ hang out and told people to run out and buy a shotgun, that’s exactly what Aaron Alexis, Karl Pierson and Darion Aguilar did. The country needs a President guy who connects with people again, just as you did in those situations. People respect and listen to you. When you tell someone to do something. They do it.

You have shown that you have special skills necessary to communicate with people on the most basic levels. Much like how whales communicate with stomach bellows or the South American Tapir with nasal whistles. You have the lovable every man qualities of Homer Simpson but with the quick wit and instincts of Forrest Gump. What most people consider to be failures of all basic cognizant brain functions, our media considers to just be lovable goofs on your part. You have a hands on way of doing things. A very, very hands on way of doing things.

You’ve also managed to somehow remain completely in the closet and secluded from Barack’s scandals, probably because you were literally locked in a closet. But all those hours in the dark waiting to be found were a good thing. A beneficial thing for you. Americans aren’t going to want to vote for someone associated with 8 years of the IRS, NSA Spying, Obamacare or Benghazi, which brings us to our next point:

hillary2This is as not as a formidable problem as people around you and the media are making it out to be. Hillary is expecting you to step aside and be her waterboy as she ascends to the rightful nomination of your party. Yes YOUR party, Joey. But Hillary has a couple problems which you can easily capitalize on.

Like Benghazi.

For 18 months we still don’t have the full story about what happened when our Embassy in Benghazi was burned down on the anniversary of the worst terrorist attack on our nation. We have Barack on record saying it was a video. We have Hillary on record saying it was a video (Also that it doesn’t make a difference anyway) but no explanation from you. No incredulous excuses about not reading cables, or lack of security or preparedness or You Tube video makers.

No one is asking where Joe Biden was on the night of September 11th, 2012 and what orders he gave.

You have wisely and surprisingly managed to distance yourself as far away from this as humanly possible and for the most part so has your friend Hillary. But she can’t ignore the consequences of that night and an Ambassador being killed on her watch forever. Eventually, some time in the early Spring of 2016, there will be a debate, or several debates, and during these debates Benghazi will be raised.

When Hillary’s friend, debate moderator and?This Week host, George Snuffleupagus attempts to throw his old boss a lifeline, your answer is simple;

benghazi quote

Game. Set. Match.

Or as you noted above…UNO!

You now have accomplished two goals. You have irreparably damaged Hillary’s nomination chances (at least until Chelsea 2028) and forced Barack, a man less qualified than you, to either admit to his own unanswered absence that night or endorse your comment by agreeing that he was with you in the situation room or hiding under the bed in the residence. For the rest of those debates just laugh like a crazy madman or bark like a dog and the media will do the rest, just like 2012.

policyFixing Obamacare won’t be your strong suite but that’s okay because by January 20th, 2017, no one will have healthcare anyway. Also you somehow miraculously managed to stay away from the line “You can keep your healthcare plan, period”. In fact, the only time you’ve ever really gone on record about Obamacare is when you called it a “Big Fucking Deal.” Politifact rating: Mostly True.

So you’re probably in the clear. More so than some people we won’t mention again


an_ass_and_a_camelBut let’s face it. Your real expertise is foreign policy. You sat at the head of the Foreign Relations Committee and at the time recommended that instead of a great troop surge, that the country of Iraq be broken up into three separate states based on religion, which eight years ago sounded completely insane but now looks fairly reasonable. Sure you voted against the first Gulf War in 1991 but you voted for the second one in 2002, so those votes cancel themselves out.

Thanks to your friend Barack losing the Iraqi city of Fallujah to Al Qaeda insurgents, not to mention the whole nations of Libya, Egypt, Tunisia and Syria and in three years time Turkey and just guesstimating here but probably the entire continent of Africa and LaGuardia Airport, our challenges will be uniquely suited to your comprehension level of expertise.

Really, who else will be able to rebuild our relationship with long time ally Iran, which George W. Bush destroyed. Also by allowing them to park warships off the United States Eastern seaboard, you will now have extra security against the threat of Israel. Barack is basically teeing up relationships all around the world for you to swoop in and take command of and finish off. All Hillary has is a dead ambassador and a Russian “Recharge” button.

So you see Joey, despite everything your party is telling you, you are not Fredo. You are not just some goofy guy wandering the halls of the White House looking for your baseball. You have brilliantly shielded yourself from all of Barack’s scandals. You have worked your way up to this moment. You have the support of the unions and were a pioneer on gay marriage

It doesn’t matter how or why you stumbled into the Vice Presidency. All that matters is that you’re there, and you’ve earned the rightful place that Barack and Hillary and their loyal mob of media guards are all now trying to deny you. They are practically begging you not to complicate things but it’s your patriotic duty to complicate things.

Run Joey Run.

Listen to your gut, your heart and most importantly, your brain.



– SM –


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