Ebol-a-Rama! It’s Here to Save Us.

If you’re reading then know there’s still hope for you, but for myself and the others, it’s already too late.

All I can hope is that whomever discovers this can learn from the mistakes we made and hopefully begin rebuilding toward a new and better world.  No one is really sure how the virus started. Some say it was spread among primates or bats. Others said it was Republicans. It is still a medical mystery how the new ruler of the western territories, Herr Pelosi, was the only member of our former government to survive the outbreak. But almost none of that matters now.

What matters is a timeline of events that led to the rapid demise of our population and way of life. We were warned by our elites in government that global warming and lack of birth control would lead to catastrophe but as it turned out, the real threats were more subtle and undetectable because of how long it took them to slowly develop. The virus was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. We as a society had been building toward hopelessness for a good five years prior to its ravaging outbreak. There were riots over race, which led to riots over pumpkins and sports teams.

Some say people’s eye balls were probably going to start bleeding regardless of the virus itself.

What I do know is that those of us that were fortunate (or unfortunate) to survive the viral plague of the 21st Century have a solemn duty to remember and record as much of it as possible as a warning to future generations about how exactly we got to this point. The most logical place to start would be the beginning. Patient zero. The original viral host that led to so much pain and despair. The scientific consensus among survivors is the viral spread started as far back as 1994. There is even reported video footage of the exact moment when it started:

It didn’t matter they said. It was just an innocent young child. We as a society had to show compassion we were told by forward thinking progressives. Travel wasn’t restricted and she was free to roam wherever she wanted. It was the humane thing to do we were told.

From that moment doctors believed the virus then began jumping from person to person (Or medically determined, going viral)  via televisions and cable news. Movie theaters became hot zones and the virus became exponentially more contagious it seemed during Michael Bay movies. Eventually it mutated right into the pockets of hosts via handheld devices. People were helpless to stop it. The rate at which it spiked was unlike any other virus scientists had ever seen. There wasn’t even an actual name for it. People just started referring to it as the VH1N1 virus, due to the highly infectious nature of those in the broadcast and internet media professions. It also targeted young people, who, operating under a theory of strength in numbers, began uploading and sharing photos of their symptoms to a thing called the instagram. It was believed that symptoms could be apparent upon examining the tongue.  The virus had infected most of society to the point where half the population refused to even go to work anymore, choosing self quarantine and keeping themselves as best informed as possible. We always thought no matter how bad things got, our leaders and government would always be protected. There would always be a plan that they would somehow be sealed off and quarantined from going viral. We were so naive. The worst possible thing happened. The unimaginable.

The virus somehow infected The White House.

It happened so fast that barely anyone really noticed. Dancing on Ellen, the cover of Rolling Stone. Some doctors believed the President already had gone viral when we elected him. Some thought he contracted it later on while recording a short skit for Funny or Die. Many who voted for him had already tested positive for the disease but it was still a staggering revelation when it was confirmed that he himself has actually contracted the viral plague. There were even Conspiracy theorists spreading rumors that the President himself was going viral on purpose to make it easier to sign executive orders instead of working with Congress. He was never properly quarantined or tested so we had no way of knowing if the virus was controlling his actions or had just simply mutated into something else, something we hadn’t ever seen before.

There were always whispers that something was affecting the behavior of the President. Late night talk show appearances, stubborn unwillingness to want to congregate around large crowds or hours spent alone with a close group of personal monitors on private golf ranges.  It’s so obvious looking back on it all now.


President Obama makes contact with sister of suspected patient zero.
It almost seems natural that this was how it was all supposed to end. Civilizations have met their demise at the uncompromising hands of plagues before. Throughout history as civilizations reach their peak, nature almost always restores the balance. Sometimes it’s a flood (global warming) or a volcano (global warming) or a giant meteor (more global warming). But what makes our viral plagued society different is our ability to stop it from happening. Never before in the history of cis-kind have we been able to reconize the symptoms of our decline, with the technology and ability to stop it from happening. They never had the opportunities to stop it from spreading, much like the one we were given in 2012, and rejected. Maybe it was a loss of hope, a sense of mortality that prevented us from turning things around. It became so much easier to succumb to those around us already infected. Ignorance was bliss and as demonstrated by our President, going viral became easier than dealing with the other problems ravaging our society; Rise in terrorism, high unemployment, wars in the Middle East, wars in Russia, Russell Brand.

But then something happened.

It was almost poetic justice how the cure for the viral plague and the very thing that stopped it all, giving us another chance to reboot civilization was itself, another virus. Not only just another virus but one we had known about for almost 40 years prior; Ebola. It was almost miraculous how it engineered and disguised itself from those trying to stop it. Ebola didn’t care about going viral. It wasn’t on Twitter, Facebook, instagram or Tinder.

Ebola didn’t file for a 501(c3) status, making it almost impossible for our government to track.

It was biologically adapted not to care about our political sensitivities or our media’s obsession with sex and race. With just a little perseverance, it managed to find a home in our country, a place where not a single person had reported having it previously for 38 years. It was uncanny how at the same time our society was being infected with a viral plague, another one was allowed to thrive. Our viral President even went so far as to assure us that Ebola was just some passing fad like ISIS or Vladimir Putin but as a precautionary measure he deployed the best placebos he had in the form of hashtags.

It was no use.

The biological brilliance of the Ebola Cure was that it was able to spread as almost a Trojan Horse of sorts, spreading in the last place those ravaged by the VH1N1 would look, with doctors and nurses. The Presidential Administration, not taking the Ebola Cure seriously, stated there would be no travel restrictions from West Africa where the cure was developing. This allowed a select group of brave and selfless healthcare professionals to travel the country freely while attempting to spread the cure. Then the viral ravaged Obama administration, determined to stomp out the Ebola Cure which was making a mockery of their hashtag prescription strategy, reneged on their policy of no travel restrictions and set up airport screenings. That included JFK in New York City.

Once again, the cure traveled with a  a selfless heroic doctor, and entered the country undetected.  As he began spreading the cure among the brightest young people known to society; Brookyn hipsters. For a doctor risking everything, it was the logical choice. Choose the part of society already immune to the symptoms of gentrification. It was a desperate plan made for a desperate time, like something inspired out of the movie I A Legend and it worked.The administration was completely flummoxed. Ebola couldn’t be contained with speeches and hashtags.

Not even John Oliver and Jon Stewart could destroy it.

It was the perfect cure for the viral outbreak that had ravaged much of our society for far too long. For those few of you that were cured and survived, you weren’t left much but it’s a start. You stand now where so many others of humanity stood before you. Think of this as an opportunity to reshape and rebuild. Use the information I’ve left you to avoid future mistakes and identify future viral plagues in their early gestational stages. It took something as unexpected as Ebola to save us from what we had done ourselves.

We didn’t leave you with much, but at least we left you with Obamacare.


– SM –

Video footage of patient zero via Uproxx

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